I give up.

I think I'm putting The Boy back in diapers. Every time he gets the chance, he has accidents just to get attention. There's only so much pee and poo I can clean up off the floor and his legs and only so much time I can spend containing his little brother while I'm doing it.

I'm also giving up trying to get him to nap. I will not lie down with him to rest anymore, because I end up neglecting Meatball or trying to get him to rest too, when he won't.

The Boy has been accustomed to having an adult, or more, to himself, when he is in the hospital. Fortunately, he's not doing that anymore. Part of adjusting to "normal" life is getting him to understand that there are other people in the family.

Maybe when school is out for Musical Daddy, we'll try to get all this in order.

Things I Don't Need: a sequel that (thankfully) lacks "oomph."

This morning, as I returned from early morning therapy (might work better than the afternoon session, time-wise), I found a note on my van. The van had been parked a few houses down the street in order to facilitate the moving of large items into the garage. I had planned on moving it back in...eventually. The note read

"I hit your car. Please call me. {number} {name of neighbor}."

Oh, you hit the car? (looking around) I don't see anyth-- HOLY CRAP.

It's BAD. Going to need some major body work around the driver side, in front of the door area. The door opens, but poorly.

He is involving insurance. Hopefully this will be a pretty easy fix. Even if it takes awhile.

I know the guy too. When I called him in response to his note, I told him that I had met him at our other neighbor's party in December and that I was in 2nd grade with his son.

But compared to some of the previous entries in the "things I don't need" series, this is small potatoes. Because you see, it isn't cancer.

Run Away

While it feels nice to deal with typical 2-year-old problems, I'm at the point where I need some help with this one.

The Boy has developed a habit of running from me. Pretty much whenever he gets the chance. He does it when I am attempting to strap Meatball in his carseat. Or, in the house, when I am trying to dress him. Or in the yard, when he decides that he'd like to go for a walk. Or in a restaurant, when he decides that he is bored.

Not going on outings for the next several years certainly occurred to me. However, that's not much fun.

I know that this is a typical two-year-old problem. And I know that each situation may have its own solution. Today, when I was at a restaurant with a friend and her daughter, I bit the bullet and put The Boy in a high chair instead of letting him sit in a regular chair, as he has usually done. When it is an option, I don't mind walking The Boy around in a restaurant while we wait for food. As for getting dressed, there is only so much space in the house, and it isn't too tricky to get him while still keeping Meatball safe.

But what in the world do I do when I tell him to stay with me while I put Meatball in the carseat and he just takes off? When I can use the stroller, I do, because he'll stay in there. At least long enough to get buckled. But if I'm carrying Meatball, I have to put him down before taking care of The Boy. In both cases today where he ran off, he ended up halfway down the block. The second time, he was picked up by a very understanding woman (who has little kids of her own) and delivered back to me.

Plenty of people who otherwise don't find spanking to be effective will employ it in cases like this. Not gonna lie--it crossed my mind. But I don't see it working with The Boy...it's as if he waits for his moment and exploits it, and spanking won't change that. There are also various baby-leashes, and I just don't see myself doing that either. It's degrading for both of us. Not that I care what people think, but I don't want people seeing me using a leash for my kid.

I think I just have to be more vigilant, and more careful, whenever I am trying to take both kids out somewhere. I have to put Meatball in the carrier more often, or use the stroller when I need to and even when I think I don't. And if I think he needs to sit in a high chair at a restaurant, then that's where he will sit. He really didn't complain about it this afternoon, truth be told.

I want him to be a big boy. I want him to be able to grow up and make good decisions. But he's a 2-year-old. Despite the fact that he possesses the capacity to do things like sit in a regular chair at a restaurant, stay next to me when I ask him to, and take himself to the bathroom instead of pointedly pooping on the floor whenever I'm not paying attention, he's not going to do it just because he can.

It's a power struggle.

But the mistake that I won't make, because I'll just become an angry harried mom, is trying to struggle with The Boy. I need to get ahead of him and act, rather than react. That's my job. He just needs to do what he's going to do and I need to set him up for success.

Even so...I would always appreciate suggestions as to how to stop him from running away.

It goes around, it comes around

I've always held the belief that there are very few quick fixes, and even something as simple as taking cold medicine comes at a price. One of my friends told me, many MANY years ago, that while cold medicine does offer some relief, you're really just pushing the symptoms off rather than allowing your body to work through the virus naturally.

Another typical example of payback might be the hangover. Drink too much? You wake up feeling like crap.

Sometimes you're trading one problem for another. My husband suffers from allergy-induced respiratory issues. He is feeling the effects of the great outdoors right now and was debating whether to take Benadryl before bed. If he takes it, he wakes up feeling fuzzy for awhile. Fortunately, he rides the bus to work. If he doesn't take it, he wakes up stuffy.

Obviously, there has to be a cost-benefit assessment with every choice made. It wasn't too long ago that they made it acceptable for drug companies to advertise on television. It is exciting to watch--they talk about this wonderful fix-all-better pill for 10 seconds and spend the rest of the time talking about the side effects. Your acid-reducer is going to give you diarrhea and make you anemic? Oh boy!

My favorite (or least favorite) example of the perceived fix-all-better is the epidural in childbirth. I don't understand how it can be painted as so easy. Even when the laboring mother first gets it...I've never had one so I don't know, but from what I've heard, it sounds like a pretty awful experience just to get it in there. Cost-benefit, as painted by the medical professionals: it is uncomfortable, but once you have it placed, you get to just sit there and wait to push your baby out. And if you have to have a C-section, oh well, that's pretty routine anyway. The hospital where I had my boys had something like a 50% C-section rate. Granted, some mothers go there specifically because they are higher risk, and I suppose that some of those high-risk cases result in C-section more often.

I have heard a few different stories over the past few weeks. One was an older woman marvelling at how easy it seemed to be, her daughter's birth experience with epidural, and how wonderful it was. She said she couldn't believe that people would choose any other way; I told her that I had done it without the drugs and it was perfectly fine, and the epidurals can cause more problems than they solve, so I was glad that her daughter didn't experience any issues. Another was reading a friend's horrible birth story, where she was stripped of her dignity the moment she entered the hospital, coerced into getting an epidural, and ended up with a C-section. Yes, she ended up with a healthy little nursling at the end of the whole ordeal (including an infected incision).

Why, though, are mothers treated so poorly? Why are we expected to lie there and have someone "deliver" our babies?

Why don't we take some initiative and THINK about the choices that we make? For every action, there is a reaction. For every pill, a side effect. For every caffeine jolt, there is a crash. And let's not get started on the foods that we eat. Sometimes, a headache caused by dehydration should be cured with water, not medication.

Sometimes, medication is the thing that does the trick...but beware the side effects.

I'm a cancer mom--I'm very aware of side effects.



What Happens During An Epidural


Informed Parenting on Canada's rising infant mortality rates

Getting warmer...

It is a nice feeling that the temperature around here is starting to get to the point where the children can wear shorts. The Boy likes shorts. I like the way that he says the word "shorts."

He's doing well. And if you ask him how he's doing, he'll say "doing well!" He even will initiate conversations with people by saying "How are you?"

The potty thing is working for us, albeit slowly. Individual days, or individual pockets of resistance, are still difficult. But then I look at where he is now even compared to last week, and he's made progress. We went on an outing today and he stayed dry almost the whole time despite several visits to the restroom. He had an accident near the end, but it actually corresponded to him playing somewhere with lots of water that had collected, so he'd have needed a change of pants regardless. I still maintain, and if you are a parent of a child his age or even as much as a year younger this may be the impetus you need to get your kid started, that we are at worst breaking even in terms of work required and amount of cleanup required, keeping him in diapers vs. having him wear underpants.

Actually yesterday, since the weather was lousy, we stayed inside all day and he wore no pants at all. He had only one accident and just about every other potty visit was his idea.

I even asked him a few days ago, when I was frustrated and preoccupied and he kept having accidents, if he wanted to go back to wearing diapers. No, he said, he wears underpants.

Meatball is still about the same. Happy, healthy, growing, eating. Playing, smiling, crawling. Not walking yet, but it's early yet. Neither Musical Daddy nor I walked before age 1, so we have no reason to believe that Meatball will do so. Talking...maybe. Sometimes it seems as though "Mama," "Dad" and "Hi" are said intentionally.

Musical Daddy is making it through his job. He is doing exceptionally well, given the circumstances (he's a sub for a sub for a sub for a teacher who retired, so he's the fourth person that these kids have seen for math). His colleagues like him, and the students like him too, as much as they like anyone and will do work for anyone.

We're looking for work, preferably teaching music. I had an interview last week but received a "thanks but no thanks" letter in the mail. Perhaps I need to review my stock questions for an interview and make sure that I know how to say the right stuff. Perhaps I was dressed funny. Who knows? There was only one other person there for the job, as far as I can tell, and they must have picked him. Honestly, I thought that I had it all over this guy--better credentials including an M.Mus., better job history and experience, not to mention that I'm more easily accessible, living 5 minutes away from the school. It isn't even June yet, so I shouldn't worry TOO much, but even so, I'm just not feeling very lucky.

We also could use work for the summer. Not sure how to find that, though. I was contacted about teaching lessons to one kid. If I can get a few more, that might be enough. Problem is, people hire for summer work in January. And in January, we were a little preoccupied.

I just have to remind myself that no matter what is going on, NOTHING could compare to the absolute pit of despair that was our lives during the second half of 2009 and the beginning of 2010. We thought the worst, and rightly so, when we were told that there might be more cancer. Then we got the reprieve of all our lives (particularly The Boy's life!). No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says or does, no matter who tries to bring us down, it's peanuts compared to what was going on in our lives before.

If that doesn't make sense, well, that's unfortunate.

I was asked "what would your students say about you?" in that interview last week. I guessed. Maybe I should ask them.

Musical Daddy has been watching the Lost Finale for the past few hours. They have pre-show stuff and post-show stuff. I hope he has extra coffee for tomorrow. He has also been cleaning up the living room.

This week I will finally straighten out some lingering car issues. And try out therapy early in the morning instead of the afternoon. A few other things, but beyond that, my main focus will be on the boys. Because they're the most important.

End of the WORK week

Potty training is NOT easy.

The Boy has done well. I'm not sure how much progress we've really made from Monday to now, seeing as how he still isn't too thrilled about being taken to the bathroom, but he is unlearning old habits and replacing them with new ones. It is going to take him a bit of time. He woke up dry this morning and then was taken to pee, but we're probably not going to touch the night training thing yet.

I'm sure that if I had waited, it would be the sort of thing where he was "ready" and did most of it himself. I get that. But he was ready enough to the point where instead of carrying him off kicking and screaming for diaper changes, I carry him off kicking and screaming to the potty sometimes, and other times he is fine with going. He is reliable enough to be able to go out for at least awhile without needing to go and we are getting him used to going in other places. Since we are past the point of "breaking even" in terms of time investment, and mess, we're sticking with The Boy being trained/in the training process. Over the course of time, he'll get better at taking himself to go and trying even when he doesn't think he needs to go.

Tonight, we take him out for ice cream. Or Rita's.

Potty: The Win Column

Caution: this is one of those posts in which a parent is talking about child toilet habits.

End of day 3 of potty training. I'll say that the amount of fighting that The Boy does hasn't decreased, and he has not often taken himself to the potty but instead was taken by me. But he has stayed dry/clean for most of the time, and we have even left the house. I want him to get used to the idea of having underpants on instead of a diaper, at least during the day. He had one full accident today and one partial accident. Oh, and one super-fun incident where he didn't really get the directional issues of sitting on the toilet and there ended up being a puddle 3 feet in front of him.


He doesn't want to do it. Why should he interrupt his playtime? Of course, when he is trying to throw a tantrum, his body doesn't allow him to go. Once he relaxes, he goes. And even if he doesn't go, I can now see what he is doing when he is actually trying to go and legitimately doesn't have a need. So I tell that he stays on the potty until he gives it a good try.

We are teaching him new habits. Instead of diaper changes before leaving the house, it's potty visits. When we go somewhere new, we find the potty right away and use it. We come home and go to the potty. We try before lunch. And after lunch. It seemed as though he would have a lot of accidents at the table, simply from not paying attention, so we focus on that. If he hasn't gone in awhile, we try.

We are still at the point where he could throw fits and insist on diapers. But I don't want that, because I have committed to getting us all in the mindset of, "He's too big for that." It will be a LONG time before we have to stop bugging him to go as frequently as we do. I don't know exactly when he will be considered "fully trained." I never thought about it this way until recently, but most children are not independent in their toilet habits in an instant. We have to think a lot about our children's pottying until at least age 4 even though they take care of most of it themselves, and even after that, we have to check and double check with them to make sure that they have appropriate bathroom breaks. It's a process. One day I'll realize that The Boy is taking himself to the bathroom rather than having me suggest it. I'll know that I can take him places and know that he'll tell me when he needs to go with enough time for us to find the bathroom. It will just happen that way. But it is a process, not a singular event.